2021,light at the end of the tunnel

It is incredible how much life can change when you make the decision to work on yourself. I’ve always been trying to become what I thought people needed me to be, wanted me to become and for some reason I was able to achieve so much with this way of living. I would push myself to accomplish things I wouldn’t even want but that help me get to where I currently am.

My life in Japan has been amazing. I have heard many stories of people living abroad and saying that it is really hard for them, how often times they feel homesick and wish to go back home. Perhaps it is because they don’t speak the language or maybe they just don’t like living in Japan. However, for me I have been able to be open about my feelings and discover the things that I love as well as accepting that it is okay to feel the way I do.
​There is a T.V show called “How I met your mother” where the main character is constantly looking for her “one” and only partner in life. He often falls in love quite quickly, idolizes his partners and ends up breaking with up soon enough. Well, that is something similar to what happened to me. I would immediately project all the things I wanted onto them and had a very high expectation of what I wanted. 

Not only with romantic partners but with friends as well making my life very difficult to handle. I constantly cancel plans or lie that I have plans with people because honestly I have no interest whatsoever in hanging with people who bring me no joy.

Learning to understand that it is okay to say no and not feel guilty about it took a lot of time. Understanding that everyone has a view of things that shouldn’t match my own and that it is also okay for them to say and feel whatever they do, took me a long time. I just couldn’t match with anyone. Another difficult concept for me to understand was that you need a net of support in order to grow; even at this point I don’t agree with that since I have always done things on my own as well as LOVING being by myself. This is because (and I do believe in this) the right person hasn’t arrived yet.

I’ve made many decisions in my life as we all that have put me in the position I am right now. Do I regret some of them? I did before; but know I can view them with appreciation and that I wouldn’t have gone through all the growing process without them. I am actually the happiest I have been in years. In all honesty, pretending to be okay, forcing myself to be someone I am wasn’t, thinking I could be someone else etc were the triggers that made me feel angry with myself and others. It took some time to understand the person I am and also accept what triggers me and how it triggers. As all of us I want to be live a purposeful life and a happy life.
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2021 was another hit to my love life. I went through so many ups and downs but finally the end of 2021 has been amazing.

As I always try to do I am going to list up the things that I was able to accomplish this year, which most of them weren’t planned:

1. Successful career change
2. Start teaching in the primary division
3. IB certified
4. Finished 2 masters in Psychology and more than halfway towards my 3rd one
5. Run over 4100 km in the year
6. Run my first sub 3 marathon
7. Met a wonderful woman whom I can completely trust
8. Found and accepted myself
9. Private sessions
10. Started drawing again
11. Read a lot of books
12. Started writing more
13. Decreased my purchase urges
14. Started baking and cooking a lot more

So all and all I have learned to be more aware of how lucky I should feel and also understanding how lucky I am to have such a beautiful body, such a beautiful mind, such a beautiful way of doing things and that no one and nobody can tell me otherwise. I am not wrong, I am not a bad person, I am not too much, nor should I accommodate to others. I will start being who I am and of course while respecting others but not let myself be put down just because they can not handle my energy. 

2020 and 2021 you were difficult, you tested my willingness to keep pushing forward, you pushed me to a really dark place but as the title of this blog post… I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do want to write about the wonderful person I met this year. As I mentioned about my love life has always been a mess but I don’t want to give up because I am sure that special someone is out there. I believe I have found her. I deciding this to be my final relationship. The one I will protect and give myself in without overthinking things. I will go on and share who I am and who I want to be by her side. I feel I can trust her and that she will support my decisions her on forward. I want to do the same. I want to be by her side in the good days and also in the bad days. I will be open into accepting not only her but also myself and it something is bothering instead of taking it in I will convey my emotions at the same time as not taking things personally. I grew a lot since last year and I want to keep this progress going forwards and not backwards. I can foresee some issues in the future but if we both are able to keep an open mind and also care for each other I strongly believe we will be able to overcome many things!

I hope we can keep this momentum going and start 2022 this strong! 

2022 I don’t know what you will bring nor what ups and downs I will have to endure but I will give myself to god and accept and deal with everything that is thrown at me; I can promise you that 2022.